Byers Awards Himself Certificate of Competence Former Transport Secretary and famed bumbling goon Stephen Byers expressed "delight and satisfaction" after awarding himself a special "certificate of competence" at a lavish ceremony today. Byers, whose recent resignation has slightly reduced the number of lying fools in The Cabinet, awarded himself the un-coveted prize before an audience of malformed oddities, especially invited to remind Byers "… that he's the best." Bush Tight-Lipped On “Axis Of Evil” Row U.S President George W. Bush today refused to comment on reports that a Miami housewife provided the focal point for his recent State Of The Union address. Racists Dismayed By Shoddy BNP Merchandising Range Shocked racists hoping to join in the fun of resurgent UK Nazism expressed disbelief today, after coming across an embarrassing dearth of right wing merchandising on the BNP’s website. Suicide Bomber Foiled Amid Bumper Sticker Fiasco A would-be suicide bomber’s attempt to kill dozens of Israeli civilians ended with a whimper rather than a bang today – after a pro-Hamas bumper sticker on his car gave him away to local police. Ned School-Leavers To Be Issued "Not-So-Smart" Cards There was some "pure pish" news for young Neds today when the Scottish Executive revealed that they would not be part of their new education "Smart Card" scheme. While kids from families who's lives don't revolve around skag, domestic violence and rampant thievery can expect six years free education with the new cards, special "Not-So-Smart" cards will offer Mucker school leavers a range of more realistic options. Astonished Couple Sent Internet Kids “By Mistake” A Stunned Derbyshire couple were left literally holding the baby yesterday when an internet mix up saw deliverymen drop off dozens of bought-and-paid-for babies on their doorstep. Flabbergasted George and Alice Gipthrong had ordered a Playstation 2 from Compuflog and had been expecting their games console to arrive to arrive that day.