Byers, whose recent resignation has slightly reduced the number of lying fools in The Cabinet, awarded himself the un-coveted prize before an audience of malformed oddities, especially invited to remind Byers “… that he’s best”. But newsmen later complained that the man behind the infamous “burying of bad news” fiasco and the Government’s fruitless policies on rail and roads was using his new accolade to avoid probing questions at a subsequent press call.

“It was ridiculous,” Toby Gibblits of the Daily Telegraph told us. “Whenever someone asked him an awkward question about his failed political career he would just obscure his face with the certificate, grab his packet and mumble “next question” in a squeaky voice. After a while, his response to questions was to make fart noises with his hands whilst giggling with his underlings. He then declared himself “…the biggest man in the world” before walking off with his certificate held aloft as if it were the World Cup.”

Byers’ resignation is said to have come as a huge relief to Tony Blair as a fresh scandal threatens to engulf the Government, following news that the PM helped smooth the way for soft-core scud baron Richard Desmond to take over the Daily Express. Disturbing reports from within Downing Street suggest that The PM accepted “porn for favours” from the “Readers Wives” publisher on top of a controversial “party donation” of £100,000.

Sources claim that the Prime Minister now spends an average of four hours per day locked in the toilet pouring over piles of freebie scan mags since deciding to drop any objection to Desmond extending his influence into mainstream newspapers.
“I had to ‘go’ really badly the other day,” our anonymous source told us, “But as usual, the boss was in, ‘freshening up’. I chapped the door and said I really needed a number two but he told me to go down the hall, and in a very impatient tone I might add. Well, there isn’t a loo down the hall is there? I ended up having to shite in a bin.”

Japanese delegates are also said to be livid after the PM abandoned a recent trade conference for another extended lavatory break, leaving red-faced staff to explain away his dishevelled appearance and the presence of several “crusty stains” on his clothing and shoes.

But one voter is more than pleased with our leaders apparent new love of top shelf magazine titles. Dalton Hamtricks, a regular contributor to “Readers Wives”, expressed delight today at the prospect of our Prime Minister cleaning his gun to photos of his amateur model wife Petra.

“I think it’s bloody marvellous, don’t you?” the flash popping pervert told us today. “Proves he’s just like the rest of us in my book. Mind you, you don’t want it interfering with his work do you? If I see him I shall say ‘Hoy Tony! Stop buffing your fork over my wife’s big milkers and sort out the Health Service!’” No.10 has so far refused to comment on the affair despite strong rumours that Transport Secretary Byers only remained in his post until recently because the PM was reluctant to return several uncut Dutch movies, borrowed after a recent fud-finding mission to Amsterdam.