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Casual Lying In Pop
The world of popular music was thrown into turmoil last night as it emerged that singer Wycliffe Jean, famous for his touching song, “Gone ‘Til November” actually returned to his hometown sometime in mid-August. Some reports suggest the gangly tunesmith had been seen casually strolling around town as early as June, waving and smiling at stunned fans, apparently oblivious to the promise he made to a nation. “He came in and just bought a paper and a packet of fags, smiling like butter wouldn’t melt.” Said local shopkeeper Nuyan Sweat. “ I was too shocked to speak, but I made sure to store up all the rage and later took it out on my wife...” He was still talking as we hurried away.
A furious debate surrounding casual lying in pop music has been taken up by the music press, prompted by an NME cover story which casts aspersions on Jon Bon Jovi’s supposed possession of a steel horse and his credentials as a cowboy. The article also reveals that in no area of the world is the lady-haired pop star “Wanted: Dead or Alive”.
Melody Maker leads this week with the revelation that soul legend Al Green, famous for his classic ballad “Tired Of Being Alone” recently spent three weeks in a secluded French resort which prides itself on the fact that it is miles from any town and has no television or phones.
A rumbled Green, desperate to defend his up- to-now spotless reputation claimed in a recent “Bizarre” interview that the song, a seminal work of isolationist angst for millions; “..isn’t about loneliness per se, it’s more to do with really needing some pussy”. Industry insiders expect the Reverend’s remarks to prove professionally terminal given the current musical climate.
Also on the hit-list at the NME has been slaphead ear-ache merchant Michael Bolton, who was discovered to be sleeping very much with the lights off by an astonished maid. The frightened Filipino domestic rang police to inform them of her chilling discovery and was amazed to discover that there was no legal recourse against the man who promised millions of fans that due to a failed relationship, he would now be “Sleeping With The Lights On.”
“ I couldn’t believe it. There he lay, in total darkness, snoring like he didn’t have a care in the world. I tell you, in my country, such a man would be spat on by little children.” said a horrified Marta Cortez.
Also up for a slating are new pop sensations S-Club 7, after they held a disappointingly bog standard party at a London resturaunt. “I was just so excited to be asked along.” said former fan club President Senga Teeth. “But as soon as I got there it became obvious the party was going to very much like dozens of others I had attended in the past. I mean there was a buffet, a disco with a small light show and a bar with only two or three kinds of lager. It was really nothing out of the ordinary at all.”
Shocked and disappointed, Senga demanded to know why the band had failed to live up to their bold promise that “There ain’t no party like an S-Club party” and was promptly removed from the premises.
“ I asked them what the hell they though they were playing at and they all looked at me like I was mental.” claimed the disgruntled ex-fan.
“ After I’d chinned one of them with a bottle they started to get nasty. Soon the place was crawling with security and I was chucked out along with some others. We tried to rush the entrance a few times but they called The Fuzz and we all spent the night in the cells. I’ve been sending them boxes of shit through the post ever since.”
An expected apology from their record company Craopa Inc. was delayed due to a mysterious fire-bombing incident at their offices shortly before a press conference was due to convene.
Hot on the heels of this scandal comes an even more remarkable and disgraceful phenomenon, Pop Stars Who Just Don’t Care. Top of this unenviable new list come The Baha Men, who have recently been basking in their new found fame following their hit “Who Let The Dogs Out?”. “After hearing their single, I complied a list of when and for how long my friends and neighbours let their dogs out in order to at least partially address their obvious concerns.” Former fan Romford Fortune told us. “I sent off my findings several weeks ago and have I heard anything back? Have I bollocks. Not a dicky bird. I mean, why ask if you don’t really want to know? All in all it’s been a colossal waste of my time.” Also in trouble are cheeky gay icons Westlife, who have so far failed to respond to news that several of their simple minded fans have found themselves wheelchair-bound after being enticed by the band to attempt “Flying Without Wings”.