While kids from families whose lives don’t revolve around skag, domestic violence and rampant thievery can expect six years free education with the new cards, special “Not-So-Smart” cards will offer Mucker school leavers a range of more realistic options. “Fledgling Neds will find these cards very useful.” Says scheme co-ordinator Rim Gently.

“For example, the cards can be used to get discounts off overalls or McDonalds uniforms, soap and elocution lessons so they can at least answer a few questions at Re-Start interviews. We’ve also handily placed the phone number of scum friendly solicitor Ross Harper on the back, just in case anyone almost inevitably gets in a spot of bother.” But some Neds have voiced concern at the proposals. We interrupted prominent Mucker Deek Scanlon, who took time from his busy day of stealing, listening to Floyd and intimidating his elderly neighbours to express his anxiety. “Ah hink it’s pure gash man,” said Deek (17) from the council home he shares with common-law wife Senga and his fifteen children.

“I think it’s pure stereolising us Neds. I don’t want to be stereolised man. I mean, if yer dobber disnae work right it makes ye less o’ a man, know?”