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Part One: “Hard-Hitting” Social Drama
What is it about gritty social drama that rivets us to the screen? What has made shows like “This Life”, “Queer As Folk” and “Tinsel Town” the classics they so undoubtedly are? Is it the ultra-believable characters, the sensitive handling of important social issues, or maybe even the way these programmes oh so accurately reflect our own hurly -burly lives?
Maybe but there’s more to it than that. Using the original draft of BBC 2’s “Tinsel Town” as his example, our crack screenwriting expert Stanislav Cocoon demonstrates that all you need to do to write a successful “hard-hitting” Drama is to follow a few simple rules.
FADE IN
INT. HOUSE WHEN BOY'S PARENTS ARE OUT -- NIGHT
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE enters room.
CHARLIE, a wee drug dealing ned, looks up from sorting out a line of coke on the clear glass coffee table.
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
CHARLIE
CHARLIE
CHARLIE
MUSCULAR NED
CHARLIE
SEXY BURD
MUSCULAR NED
GOOD JOB GUY walks along the street. He has a good job, one where folk would be shocked and appalled if they knew he was gay. A wean is doing something pure shady.
GOOD JOB GUY LASSIE THAT OBV FANC HIM
GOOD JOB GUY
LASSIE THAT OBV. FANC HIM
GOOD JOB GUY
CHARLIE, SEXY BURD and MUSCULAR NED are sitting at a table. DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE is on the dance-floor giving it big licks to the 101 beats.
CHARLIE
SEXY BURD
CHARLIE
MUSCULAR NED
CHARLIE
MUSCULAR NED
SEXY BURD has her tits out. MUSCULAR NED is getting stuck right into her. She is “loving it”. They make “sexy” noises.
SEXY BURD
The dance-floor is bouncing with young folk having a good time. They throw their arms in the air like young folk having a good time always do. GOOD JOB GUY stands by the bar. A WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND HAS LEFT HER approaches him.
GOOD JOB GUY
WOMAN WHO’S HUS. LEFT
GOOD JOB GUY
WOMAN WHO’S HUS. LEFT
CHARLIE stands with LESBIAN LASSIE.
LESBIAN LASSIE
CHARLIE
CHARLIE
CHARLIE
SEXY BURD and MUSCULAR NED have fallen out.
MUSCULAR NED
SEXY BURD
MUSCULAR NED
SEXY BURD
MUSCULAR NED
SEXY BURD
GOOD JOB GUY is dancing with YOUNG GAY GUY.
GOOD JOB GUY
YOUNG GAY GUY
GOOD JOB GUY
YOUNG GAY GUY
GOOD JOB GUY
YOUNG GAY GUY looks lovingly at GOOD JOB GUY. He gets out of bed, showing a flash of his bum, maybe.
GOOD JOB GUY brings in two cups of coffee.
GOOD JOB GUY
GOOD JOB GUY pushes him out into the doorway.
GOOD JOB GUY
YOUNG GAY GUY looks like he's about to greet.
END OF EPISODE ONE.
So, to re-cap, in order to write a hard-hitting social drama, you will need:
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
Huw you! Have you goat me they f***in' eccies? CHARLIE
Pumping music is playing, say maybe LEFTFIELD or MOBY or whatever happens to be 'cool'. A SEXY BURD enters.
Aye, I f***in' goat thum. I said I wid din't ah?
That's awright then.
Aye, it is.
SEXY BURD
MUSCULAR NED enters
Awright you two? Charlie, did you score us that Lou Reed an' they Ecto's fur the night?
Aye, I did. Nae bother doll.
MUSCULAR NED
He grabs SEXY BURD'S behind and fondles.
You awright darlin'?
SEXY BURD
They winch.
I'm awright noo that you're here lover.
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
She points to the lines of cocaine on the table.
Haw, you two leave it oot man, yer pittin' us aff ma dinner.
MUSCULAR NED
MUSCULAR NED feels up SEXY BURD
Way-hey nice f***in' wan.
(To Charlie)
You sort that f***in' **** out man?
Aye, course I did.
You f***in' better huv.
I said I did din't a?
MUSCULAR NED
They winch again, only this time with tongues...and that.
You want tae huv a ride?
Naw, no' the noo. It'll be mair dramatic an' controversial if we dae it in the toilets at the club.
Nae bother darlin'. I pure love you.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET -- NIGHT
GOOD JOB GUY
LASSIE THAT OBVIOUSLY FANCIES GUY looks at him lovingly.
Hey you! Wean! Stoap daein that,
it's respectable fowk like me that have
tae pay for your bad behaviour.
LASSIE WHO OBV. FANC. HIM
Just leave it man, we're nearly done oor shift.
Aye.
You off oot the night?
No sure, mibbie.
Whit kind o' places dae you go at the weekend anyway?
Oh, you know, the usual.
CUT TO:
INT. ABSOLUTELY THUMPING NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT
SEXY BURD
CHARLIE gets up and heads for the dance-floor. As he goes, he gives SEXY BURD a look like he knows she wants it. She licks her lips to indicate that she knows he knows she wants it too. The two of them both know they both want it.
This is f***in' kickin' man!
No hawf hen!
I feel like I just f***in' love everybidy!
Aye, so dae ah. Pure love man!
You better no' be chattin' up ma burd there Charlie.
Widnae dream o' it.
MUSCULAR NED sticks his tongue out. There is an 'eccie' on the tip. SEXY BURD licks it off and they winch again.
I think it's time fur that shag noo, doll.
CUT TO:
INT. TOILET -- MOMENTS LATER
MUSCULAR NED
I f***IN' LOVE YOU SEXY BURD!
AN I f***IN' LOVE YOU TAE MUSCULAR NED!
CUT TO:
INT. ABSOLUTELY THUMPING NIGHTCLUB -- MOMENTS LATER
WOMAN WHO’S HUS. LEFT
Hey there big boy, ye wantin' a drink?
No thanks, I'm obviously gay.
Come oan I'll buy ye a drink. Ma husband huz left us so
I'm crackin' ontae the first available guy that I meet.
I'll mair than likely get raped or violently
assaulted cuz ah’m so gantin' fur it.
Aye, awright I'll have a non-brand beer.
Great stuff! I'll get ma hole noo.
CUT TO:
INT. DJ DECKS OF CLUB -- CONTINUOUS
CHARLIE
CHARLIE gives her an 'eccie' to cheer her up, as all drug dealers are good natured souls at heart.
Whit you so f***in' glum aboot?
Ach it's ma work I didnae meet ma targets
fur the week an' they're thinkin' o' cannin' ma ass.
Whit ye worryin' aboot work fur hen?
This is wages day, this is when we aw
forget aboot work an' just enjoy oorselves.
LESBIAN LASSIE
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE bounces past.
Thanks man. You're right by the way.
Ah know ah um.
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
Suddenly, SHELLSUIT GUY appears.
I'm aff ma f***in' nut so ah um!
SHELLSUIT GUY
CHARLIE loses the rag. He grabs SHELLSUIT GUY'S collar.
Hey Charlie, you sold me some duff eccies last week.
CHARLIE
SHELLSUIT GUY has peed his pants.
You dinnae talk tae me like that, 'cos if you dae I'll show ye how hard ah um.
SHELLSUIT GUY
CHARLIE wanders back over to LESBIAN LASSIE.
Ah'm sorry man.
Aye, jist as weal.
CHARLIE
Nae problems eh?
CUT TO:
INT. CHILL OUT AREA OF CLUB -- LATER
SEXY BURD
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE bounces past.
You ur a f***in' wank.
f*** you hen!
You couldnae f*** me.
Aye I kin, an' I'll dae it again.
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
MUSCULAR NED starts to greet a wee bit, then realises where he is and straightens up.
I'm aff ma f***in' tits man.
Get tae f*** oot ma face Muscular Ned.
You dinnae mean that.
Aye I f***in' dae.
MUSCULAR NED
He storms off.
f*** you then!
CUT TO:
INT. DANCEFLOOR -- CONTINUOUS
YOUNG GAY GUY
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE bounces past.
I thought you and that auld wuman were an item.
Nah, you saved me. I thought I might have tae podger her.
Ah, ha, ha, ha.
DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
They winch, only slower and sexier than when the straight folk did it, because this is far more controversial.
I'm pure oot ma nut man.
You sure you've old enough tae be in here?
You worried I'll get you in trouble?
Naw.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM -- MORNING
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -- MORNING
YOUNG GAY GUY
He strokes his hand as he accepts the cup. The door bell rings. GOOD JOB GUY suddenly fears for his socially acceptable future. He goes to answer it. THE LASSIE THAT OBVIOUSLY FANCIES HIM stands there.
Thanks.
LASSIE THAT OBV FANC HIM
She follows him into the living room. When she spots YOUNG GAY GUY her face drops, fearing that he is a bender.
Hiya, you ready for work?
Eh, aye. Come on in.
Eh...this is my cousin, eh, Johnny. He's just leaving.
GOOD JOB GUY ushers YOUNG GAY GUY towards the door.
YOUNG GAY GUY
He shuts the door over. THE LASSIE THAT OBVIOUSLY FANCIES HIM has a smile on her face satisfied that he does indeed like the muff.
Can I not get your phone...
Nice tae see ye Johnny. Tell Auntie Reenie I'll be round at Christmas.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
1) Pumping Dance.
2) “Eccies”.
3) Burds, preferably burds who want it.
4) Tough Neds.
5) At least one conflicted Homosexual.
6) No f*****g clue.
Got it? Then get cracking!